Still here

Just wanted to check in briefly. I’m still here. I had a slip last weekend, a big one, lots to drink last Friday night at a reunion and I have been so angry at myself that I haven’t been able to bring myself to post about it. Still feel angry and ashamed. Alas, it led to nothing more and haven’t drank since. I’ve slipped twice now, one slip was a controlled one, the last wasn’t. But both slips have a lot in common:

1. The decision to drink was made very quickly.

2. I hadn’t eaten much before the event.

3. I regretted it massively the following day.

4. I felt shame afterwards.

5. It didn’t lead to me drinking the following days – if anything the thought of drinking repulsed me (on a mental level even more so than a physical one).

Anyway, it seems I needed to make a big slip to see that I really, truly shouldn’t drink. Nothing bad happened but nothing good happened either. I just feel embarrassed by my lack of self control and worry that people giggle at my exuberance when I’m inebriated. It makes me feel ashamed. I would give  a lot to do the night over, but I suppose it happened for a reason – to show me what I really am not missing. The kicker is that I know for SURE that I would have 100% had a better time sober. No word of a lie. I’m so lucky that I can have a fantastic time sober, and that other people drinking doesn’t bother me. So why??? Why why why??? 

Ah, what can you do. 

I’ve also discovered that my problem is that I am a binge drinker. I have no desire to drink alcohol regularly, but when I do drink I get drunk extremely quickly (I mean I feel the effects after less than one drink most of the time) and then it is no longer me who is in control, but the alcohol. But really that doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is that I learn from my experiences. 

Sorry for the ramble. Love to you all. x


6 thoughts on “Still here

  1. Alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful. When in a mindset of recovery, I find that so long as I learn from mistakes, that is good enough. No one is perfect or gets it right perfectly. Great to hear that you are human, like us all, and fail at times!

  2. briolissima says:

    Thank you for your honesty, for sharing, and for beautifully putting words to what so many of us think and feel, but can’t find the words. Your lapse doesn’t become a relapse unless you let it. Stay strong!

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