Those of you who have been reading my blog for a little while will know that I go out a LOT. And I’m very often surrounded by people who are drinking. Thankfully, it doesn’t really bother me anymore. I don’t get jealous of people who are drinking. My main triggers in those settings are: worrying about how I am going to explain my not drinking (I rarely have to do this these days) and feeling anxious/queasy (I have a history of anxiety that has improved drastically in recent years that I’m beginning to think might have been strongly linked to my drinking). Thankfully I’ve been finding these triggers easier to navigate as people are beginning to think of me as a non drinker and don’t feel the need to ask questions, and my anxiety and capability to deal with it has greatly improved since I stopped drinking. I’m just a more rational person, and I am more in control of my emotions. Thank god.
I had a lot on this weekend: I went to two parties and a concert and a street fair. I was out until 5am on Friday and Saturday night. Clearly my desire to ‘keep the party going’ was not, in fact, fuelled by my drinking (as I previously thought). I had a great time, and it was great. But today, I am feeling a bit flat. I have had very little sleep over the past few days, due to my staying up late and various commitments during the day, and I think I am just worn out. Despite having an amazing weekend, I feel kinda, well, ugh I suppose. Maybe it’s just coming down from the high after all the events. Maybe it’s exhaustion. Maybe I need to recharge. Maybe it’s a combination of all three. I feel very emotional and a little weepy. I want hugs, and I miss my family (who came to visit me today, and who I will see again next weekend – ridiculous).
But thank FUCK I can say that I have absolutely NO desire to drink whatsoever. In fact, I haven’t since my slip 31 days ago. Which at times makes me think that I maybe DON’T have that bad of a problem. Oh how our brains play games with us. Regardless, even if my drinking wasn’t hugely problematic, I know that my life is so much better now – and having a drink because I have realised that my interest in alcohol has seriously lessened the stupidest reason for having a drink that I can think of.
Sorry about the rambly nature of this post. I am gonna eat, sleep (it’s 9:20pm here) and hopefully I will feel less blah tomorrow 🙂