It’s 8:35 am. I am lying in bed surrounded by chocolate wrappers. Sigh. At least I am not hungover!
So it’s been one week since I decided to drink. I haven’t drank since. Despite having a relatively small amount to drink (in comparison to what I used to drink and what everyone else had had to drink) I actually suffered quite a bit last Saturday. I would never ever have suffered before from that volume of alcohol. Or maybe I did and was too used to it to notice.
Anyhow, all day Saturday I had a headache, an upset tummy and a general fogginess about me. It all set in shortly after my last blog post. If I hadn’t thought it was worth it before, then I definitely didn’t then. I wondered so many times how I did this to my body every weekend without fail. My body even seemed to hurt. I felt very sorry for myself. I reminded myself that it was all my own doing. And then I felt very thankful. I realised that this was my body’s way of begging me not to drink anymore.
After a day or two of feeling guilty, I allowed myself to stop thinking about it. I had my last week of work with my current team this week. Next week I start working on an off-site project and will return to work with my current team in a few months. Since my colleagues are the only group that I find difficult to not drink around (due to peer pressure) I am going to take the opportunity to come back with a condition that will not allow me to drink.
My colleagues arranged ‘one big last night out’ as a goodbye on Thursday night. I desperately wanted to go and not drink. After all, the night was in my honour and I am a very social person – I love going out. But I absolutely did not want to drink. So I came up with a plan!
I am not advocating this kind of behavior by the way. But it got me through what was a difficult situation for me. So the night started off in one of my colleagues houses; she was going to throw a little party and then we would move on to the pub/club later. It was byob. So I brought a bottle of wine…filled with a non alcoholic grape juice.
It worked a treat. I drank the whole ‘bottle of wine’ in the house, and when we got to the pub I claimed that I had had too much at the house and didn’t need any more. I drank pints of water and danced and chatted with all my colleagues. We stayed at the pub (well its more like a disco bar) until 2:30am. By that time most people were hammered. Some were going on to a nightclub. I agreed to go – it was my last night and I was having a great sober time so why not?? We had a great time and I continued to drink water and stayed out until the club closed at 4am. I had to bring my friend home and put her to bed because she couldn’t even walk she was so drunk. I went to sleep about 6am, so grateful to have been sober, and I had such a good time. Then I got up at 8am for my last day with the old crew. Everyone was astounded by how ‘fresh’ I looked, and I giggled to myself in my head about my private little secret. I am awake now after sleeping for about 17 hours (seriously). But it was worth it 🙂
I was out on Wednesday night too with friends who don’t even notice, never mind care if I drink or not. It was a blast and I was delighted to wake up with a clear head. So maybe the two nights out on a week night caused me to sleep for so long. Either way my body definitely needed it.
Finally, I just wanted to say that not every moment of Thursday night was easy. Right as I was about to pour the real wine out of the bottle so I could wash it and use it for my fake wine I thought to myself about how nice it would be to join in the fun and drink with my colleagues and feel connected to them. And then I thought about how I felt when I drank last Friday and how adamant I was that it wasn’t worth it and the urge to say ‘fuck it’ went away. Drunken conversations and interactions aren’t real anyway. It’s never me talking, always the drink. And I prefer to live my life as myself and not behind the veil of alcohol.