So, I contemplated deleting my blog because I was so ashamed of myself for drinking. But I felt a deep sadness and disappointment in myself when I got home last night and I couldn’t sleep for hours. I wrote a blog post the minute I got in, because I needed to relieve my guilt and get it off my chest. I feel like I have let you guys and myself down. I feel ashamed. But on the other hand I feel hopeful because I am so upset with myself and regret drinking so much that it has shown me how much I want NOT to drink. It showed me how much I wasn’t missing. It made it more clear to me that I was in fact on the right path. So, while I am pretty devastated to have done it, maybe I really can put it down to a learning experience.
This is what happened:
My company had a summer BBQ last night. When I got there, my boss took me aside and gave me some great news; my company wanted to offer me a permanent contract and a leadership position. I didn’t see it coming. I was overwhelmed. Soon the word spread and my colleagues were delighted for me. People kept buying me drinks. They said that their job now was to get me hammered. I refused the drinks for a while. Then a friend said ‘surely you will have a few drinks tonight, of all nights. You should be hammered’. I had a fuck it moment. I didn’t take myself out of the situation and go over things in my head. My guard was down because I was so happy. I didn’t really give it a second thought once I had made up my mind.
We went to a nightclub after the BBQ. It was pretty late. It wasn’t until then that I had my first drink. I had 6 shorts and mixers over the course of about 4 hours. It was a ’rounds’ situation but fortunately we weren’t drinking very fast. I felt the effects of the first drink quickly. That lovely glow that I thought I missed so much was shit. I was paranoid of coming across as stupid, and was afraid that I would say the wrong thing, slur my words or appear drunk. I felt a little anxious. Exactly the feelings that I had previously thought alcohol was an antidote to. Well I am glad to have uncovered that as a big fat lie.
I drank enough to feel pretty tipsy but I didn’t cross the line into full on drunkenness. Maybe that would have been different if I had started drinking earlier. Maybe I was still thinking somewhat by not allowing myself to drink earlier in the night. I was definitely the most sober person there. But what does that matter really? I had a fun time and had good conversation and danced a lot. I did nothing that I wouldn’t have done sober. I can do anything I want sober. I am not short of confidence, and I can have fun without alcohol.
As soon as I was on my own, in the cab on the way home, an overwhelming feeling of sadness clutched at me. I thought to myself ‘what have I gained from tonight?’ and the answer honestly was nothing. I just felt guilt and I felt like a failure.
Now that another day has dawned, I feel disappointed in myself. Disgusted at myself really. I have a mild headache and feel dehydrated. I don’t have a huge hangover but I don’t feel myself. I didn’t miss this feeling. I just want it gone. But, strangely, every now and then I feel a giddy rush of excitement. I know now how much I don’t want to drink. I know now that there is nothing to miss. I know now that my sober life is a happy one. I have never felt so upset about falling off the wagon before. I’m listening to myself and know that there is a good reason why I feel this sad about it. So maybe it was a good thing that I drank because I now feel more determined than ever not to drink. I really, truly see it for what a waster of time, money and energy it is. A total confidence trick that I can’t believe had trapped so many people. And whenever I have a fuck it moment, I think the memory of this experience will be the greatest tool I have.
Thanks for listening.