Note: I am too exhausted and unmotivated to edit this post so brace yourself. 😊
I just checked a calendar. Today is my day 75. Almost 11 weeks. 10 full weekends without wine (well, I’ve been around plenty but none of it has been for me). I can’t believe it’s been so long.
For the most part, I’ve not found the time too hard. But this week I struggled a lot. I’m still really struggling. I’m questioning myself a lot. Was I really that bad? Nobody else thought so, only me. I never hurt anyone.
I feel like I’m excluding myself from my peers. I’m only 24 and the only 24 year old in Ireland that I am aware of who doesn’t drink (I am sure there are others. I want to meet them). I’m struggling in particular because June is a big month for going out and social events where I work because we relocate for the summer at the start of July. All of the social activities that my work colleagues organise involve drinking. I want to bond with them. I spend so much time with them, and they are lovely people. But I keep backing out of our plans because I don’t know how to get out of drinking. Any time I come up with an excuse not to drink they suggest rescheduling so I don’t ‘miss out’ or have to ‘feel left out’. They are kind, making a great effort to include me. They don’t know that I’m lying to them. Unfortunately, I don’t feel that I can tell them about my issues, and I don’t want to. I’m not a permanent employee and I don’t want to be labelled or judged. I feel like I will be on edge and struggling and fighting with myself until the end of June. I need ways to cope with this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am considering pretending that I’m drinking. I just have to figure out how to do that.
On Wednesday I very nearly almost drank. I would say was at about 80% on the I’m going to drink scale. I was fed up, feeling left out, and stressed because I couldn’t come up with a believable excuse not to drink. I wanted to go and not drink, ideally. But when I realised that it would be hard to come up with a believable excuse I just felt like giving up. Fuck it.
But obviously there was a part of me who really didn’t want to give up because I came on here and asked for help. And I got it. Thank you so much to those who reached out to me and made me see clearly. I am so overwhelmed by the great people on here. You are all fantastic. A special thank you to Maggie at Sober Courage, who really made me see sense. Without this blog, I would have given up by now.