I went to a party last night. I was the only person not drinking. Nobody except the hostess noticed until my boyfriend mentioned it later, after someone mentioned how hilarious we were particularly after a few drinks. It made me feel good that I could be seen as great fun, despite being the ‘sober one’. Even after that, nobody asked me why I wasn’t drinking, or even commented on it. Which was nice. I’ve not really had to explain myself yet.
The start if the night sucked. I got to the party, which was really more of an intimate gathering, the sole purpose being to drink and chat. I developed a headache within a few minutes of arriving. I thought very seriously about drinking. Just one can of beer, that were out in the cellar for anyone to take as they pleased. Nobody would bat an eyelid. I’ve not been as tempted so far as I was then. I was truly convinced that had I a beer that my headache would go away and I’d feel better.
I contemplated what I would do with this blog. I thought I’d delete it, and just forget about the past 49 days. I didn’t want to have to write a post about how I’d given in. So I would just delete all evidence and pretend I had never tried.
I had a sort-of arrangement planned with a friend for early his morning. It wasn’t true, and there was a big chance that it wouldn’t go ahead. I decided to text her and ask her. I would take a yes to mean that I shouldn’t drink. She didn’t respond for ages. Eventually she said that she would let me know early in the morning but it was looking to be unlikely. That was the answer I was looking for. I could drink and cancel the plans without feeling guilty.
But for some reason I didn’t drink. After a while it didn’t bother me so much anymore. The longer I was at the party the less I wanted to drink. I moved to a different part of the room where the light wasn’t getting in my eyes and my headache lifted. It got late. I just didn’t do it in the end. I bargained with myself, promising myself some chocolate cake when I got home as a reward for my not drinking. I usually do not eat anything unhealthy so this was a good incentive. I thought about the cake every now and then throughout the night.
Throughout the night I was told lots of drunken tales. I frequently thought to myself “wow, I’ve never done THAT.” I thought to myself that I was probably a “better drinker” than the majority of the people at the party. I still think that’s true. I hated them for a minute, being able to be happy with their drunken life.
I ended up having a great night. I really let loose, and acted as ridiculously and without inhibitions as I would when I’m drunk. But only the positive ways. I stayed at the party until the end. I got into bed with my cake at 5am. I didn’t feel relief like I had before. The cake was good though.
I woke up today relieved to be hangover free. I am going out tonight again, to a bar. I am going out more often than I ever was when I was still drinking. I want to go out a lot, because I have the energy to, and I want to socialise more. It may appear that I am putting myself in ‘triggery’ situations. I think I would feel worse if I was avoiding my social life. I’m throwing myself into it now. My social life is great. But I feel like I’m wavering a bit. I feel fed up. I have to remind myself that I actually can have a brilliant time sober. I was told that I was ‘the best fun’ last night. That’s a pretty awesome compliment. Not drinking definitely suits me.
So why am I a bit scared?