Good morning world!
It’s 10:50 am here in Ireland, and I’ve been up for over 4 hours, doing paperwork for my work, and later on I’ll be hitting the gym. This would never have happened had I been drinking last night. I’m beginning to get used to this not drinking thing. It didn’t even occur to me last night – a FRIDAY night – that it would be a nice idea to pick up a cheap and cheerful bottle of white. I’m presuming that this can only be a good thing.
Today is my third Saturday not drinking.
Anyhow, I am still sober. Day 20. Sometimes I think it’s getting easier; sometimes it’s a pain in the ass. I still can’t think of ‘forever’.Maybe I’ll never be comfortable with the whole idea of forever.
To be honest, I think I hate ‘forever’. If someone told me that I couldn’t have prawns ‘forever’ I would probably want to binge on prawns right now. And I absolutely detest prawns. Like many, I think I have a huge issue with the finality of forever and never. I feel like those words set me up for failure. They make whatever it is in question seem like a much bigger task than necessary, and so I feel like I can’t handle avoiding whatever it is that I can never do again. So then I crumble and go crazy doing whatever it is I’m ‘never supposed to do again’, the twisted logic behind this action being that if I’m going to mess this up (which I inevitably will – I mean NEVER?) I may as well do it right now, and in a spectacularly outrageous fashion while I’m at it.
Aside from that, I can’t handle the feeling that I’m ‘depriving’ myself. ‘Everything in moderation’ is a phrase that I like to live by. Actually, let me rephrase that. It’s a phrase that I’d LIKE to live by. I am not very good at moderation, in any part of life. I always want more, of everything I commit myself to. Sometimes this is good: more exercise, more healthy food, more productivity, more self-improvement. More often than not, this is bad: more chocolate, more laziness, more self-pity, more alcohol. It is very difficult for me to find a balance. I’m on the good side of my ‘more’ issue at the moment – eating super healthy, exercising like a demon, getting shit done. But this can’t last forever, can it? Here I go again! Maybe I can continue to be committed to my healthy lifestyle. If I enjoy it, why shouldn’t I? I feel happy now. I just can’t put too much pressure on myself. I won’t think about ‘forever’ in regards to any part of my life; be it sobriety or otherwise.
I’m sober now. That’s what’s important.
Now to get the third sober Saturday under my belt; that’s enough for now.
Forever can kiss my ass.