All still going well, but I feel a bit meh. Maybe it’s because I’m tired, but I feel just uuuugh. You know? I’m also finding it hard to use my words, so I’m warning you now, I don’t really know where this post is going!
I was talking to some coworkers today and they were asking me to come out with them at the weekend. They’re big into their nights out and would give you an awful hard time for not drinking; it would be question after question, and “oh you’ll just have the one!” As it’s Mother’s Day here in Ireland this weekend which gave me an excuse to get out of it.
Later on in the day I was talking to another coworker who I am quite friendly with, and who’s a lot of fun and I just though damn it, why can’t I be normal and just go out like everybody else. It’s fucking shit. I just want to be able to do what I want and go out and have fun. But it’s not fun, is it? I dunno. I feel like I’ll never be able to socialise with my coworkers again, because it’s easier to save face by just not going as I would get such a hard time for not drinking. I know they mean no harm, they’re great people, but I wish it were different. I was probably like that too – and honestly, I don’t think anyone in their twenties (or in fact anyone who plans on getting particularly drunk) wants to be around a sober coworker on a wild night out! I wish it didn’t have to be like this! Suddenly I feel so angry.
I’m angry at alcohol, my genes, my lack of self-control and at myself for being angry over something that’s so stupid and that makes my life harder not better. I’m angry at Ireland and stereotypes that are so drummed into us that they’re becoming us. I’m angry at being made feel stigmatised for not wanting to drink anymore. I’m angry that it’ll be assumed that I’m the boring sensible one! I am FUN too! Uuuugh. I’m angry that I’m allowing myself to feel this way. I’m angry that I feel like I’m going to miss out even though deep down I know that I’m not really.
I don’t even want to drink now. It’s probably one of the last things I wanna do. I just wish I could join in again in the future, just once every now and then for special occasions. But I can’t. And it’s fucking shit.
(Apologies for the unsavoury language!)