I’m angry.

All still going well, but I feel a bit meh. Maybe it’s because I’m tired, but I feel just uuuugh. You know? I’m also finding it hard to use my words, so I’m warning you now, I don’t really know where this post is going!

I was talking to some coworkers today and they were asking me to come out with them at the weekend. They’re big into their nights out and would give you an awful hard time for not drinking; it would be question after question, and “oh you’ll just have the one!” As it’s Mother’s Day here in Ireland this weekend which gave me an excuse to get out of it.

Later on in the day I was talking to another coworker who I am quite friendly with, and who’s a lot of fun and I just though damn it, why can’t I be normal and just go out like everybody else. It’s fucking shit. I just want to be able to do what I want and go out and have fun. But it’s not fun, is it? I dunno. I feel like I’ll never be able to socialise with my coworkers again, because it’s easier to save face by just not going as I would get such a hard time for not drinking. I know they mean no harm, they’re great people, but I wish it were different. I was probably like that too – and honestly, I don’t think anyone in their twenties (or in fact anyone who plans on getting particularly drunk) wants to be around a sober coworker on a wild night out! I wish it didn’t have to be like this! Suddenly I feel so angry.

I’m angry at alcohol, my genes, my lack of self-control and at myself for being angry over something that’s so stupid and that makes my life harder not better. I’m angry at Ireland and stereotypes that are so drummed into us that they’re becoming us. I’m angry at being made feel stigmatised for not wanting to drink anymore. I’m angry that it’ll be assumed that I’m the boring sensible one! I am FUN too! Uuuugh. I’m angry that I’m allowing myself to feel this way. I’m angry that I feel like I’m going to miss out even though deep down I know that I’m not really.

I don’t even want to drink now. It’s probably one of the last things I wanna do. I just wish I could join in again in the future, just once every now and then for special occasions. But I can’t. And it’s fucking shit.

(Apologies for the unsavoury language!)

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11 thoughts on “I’m angry.

  1. i felt like that for a good while after i got clean, but now if the thought ever does cross my mind which is rare, it disappears just as quickly. i have been clean and sober for 2 years and 8 months how about you

    • Hi there!
      Thanks for your comment, it helps to know that it gets easier! πŸ™‚ I’m only on day 10, I have a long way to go! Congratulations on your 2 years and 8 months, that’s fantastic! πŸ™‚

  2. argh the ANGER! it is such a powerful emotion. I feel the same way. I don’t even want to drink, but I hate the missing out feelings. The everybody else is doing it why can’t I? I don’t like the feeling of being different. But for my health and life I have to be different. I am an alcoholic, I have no choice in the matter, but I can choose not to drink.

    Thats why I love it here with the sobriety blogs, we are the same. Unique in our own selves yes, but the SAME problem with alcohol. I have never identified to a group of people as I have here. My heart goes out to you across the sea (I’m in the United States) You are so brave to be this young in a world where being young and going out and getting “fucked up” go hand in hand. I bet you are a ton of fun sober, one day you will be comfortable to refuse alcohol, have a blast and not feel the anger. One day I will be able to do it too. Be angry cause it will pass, but keep going your path. You are doing amazing and you have inspired me too πŸ™‚

    • Hi πŸ™‚ thanks for commenting! πŸ™‚ I am so glad you can relate – it makes me feel less different and alone. Ugh. You’re right – at least we have the choice not to drink, and the self-awareness to know better. Sometimes my idiot brain resent the fact that I’ve caught this earlyish on, because I could probably get away with a few more years of this. But I know deep down it’s not what I want. Thank you so much for making me feel better, I hope I can do the same for you πŸ™‚

    • I really sympathise with the anger thing, when it actually hit me that I’m an alcoholic, I was furious, I didn’t understand how I had got to this place of despair, couldn’t believe I had sunk so low whilst all around me saw something else entirely. Five months into sobriety it was feeling like a freak that led me to drink again. That was over 2 years ago and now I’ve started again – it’s day 4 for me! But it’s only happened because I found this online community. So thank you and look after yourself xx

      • Hi croydonite!

        Thanks for commenting πŸ™‚ I’m glad we both found this community – it really is a great place for support! I’m still kinda angry, but some days are better than others πŸ™‚ you look after yourself too, it’s great that you found your way back here; keep going πŸ™‚

  3. I can also relate! I’m still a bit numb to my emotions, I feel like a switch has been turned off in my mind. I suppose I know that going out for me means, more often than not, leads to experiencing that inevitable blackout. I understand being mad though. My friends and I jokingly call it FOMO (Fear of missing out… Thanks, Drake. That’s only mildly embarrassing to admit) Allow yourself to feel your emotions, then remember that so many people don’t have the strength or self awareness that you have to acknowledge they shouldn’t be drinking either. I just wrote about where I live, and how difficult it is to escape the cultural norm that is drinking regularly. Stay strong. You’re an inspiration to me. I also find comfort in our community here. Thanks for being honest and sharing your story. πŸ™‚

    • Hi! Oh the relief of knowing people can relate helps me so much. I feel less alone! Haha I’m gonna start calling it FOMO too, maybe people will think I’m cool then! πŸ˜‰ I just read your post about Colorado, it opened my eyes – it’s not just Ireland where binge drinking is not only socially acceptable, but often the norm! I do wonder if I grew up somewhere else if things would be different. Probably not, let’s be honest πŸ™‚ the binge drinking culture definitely doesn’t help though! Thank you for making me feel less alone, I get what you mean about finding comfort here, me too πŸ™‚

  4. Shan Mal says:

    This is what I fear when I come out if rehab, that I’ll be seen as the boring one and be exuded from night out. I guess we just have to keep reminding ourselves that we are no good to anybody when we’re drinking and that we want a proper ‘decent’ life for ourselves over a bit of reckless fun.

    • Hi Shan Mal,

      I hope you’re well πŸ™‚ I know, it’s horrible feeling like you’re going to be left on the sidelines, but I suppose the only person who will really allow that to happen is ourselves! We just have to spend time getting comfortable with our sobriety. The first few night out and drinking (non-drinking for us I guess) experiences will probably be awkward on account of us trying to explain ourself to varying degrees etc. but once everyone has accepted that we no longer drink, I hope things will get easier. πŸ™‚ And you’re so right, having a happy life is so much more important than having (probably 2 drinks worth of) fun. πŸ™‚

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