So it’s my day 5. Day 5 is fine. The first few weeks are always fine. Well maybe the first week and a half. I’m lucky enough not to be physically dependant on alcohol. Yet. I’m sure I could get there easily enough; I’m sure I’ve been close enough already. I’ve just been able to pull myself back, so far.
As I said, my problem starts about 9-10 days in, as far as I am aware. The shame of my last ‘episode’ has usually faded quite a bit, and my drunk brain starts planting the seed of doubt in my sober brain. Usually at this point, I am feeling very healthy and good. “You feel great”, sober brain argues, “everybody is going out tonight. You’re young, your friends will all be pissed, and let’s not forget, you’re IRISH. Sure half the country will be out tonight, having a few drinks, why can’t you do the same?”
And sometimes, as my drunk brain is very good at debating, I end up going for a few sociables. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes, espcially in the beginning, after a particularly black blackout it really is only a few drinks. But we all know where those drinks lead to eventually. It’s not always certain when it will happen, the only thing that is certain is that it WILL. Why can’t I just stop when I’m pleasantly “buzzed”?
I can. Sometimes. But I don’t trust myself every time. And that’s enough to make me hate alcohol, because the one person you should be able to trust is yourself.