My drunk brain thinks I’m okay.

Nobody realises how much alcohol is affecting my life. But it’s making me really depressed. If my boyfriend, or my dad, or anyone I worked with could read this they would be shocked. I highly doubt that they view me with someone as a problem.

I’ve never had a bad accident when drunk(just the odd mysterious bruise).
I’ve never been in trouble with the law.
I’ve never made any risky sexual decisions and I’ve not gotten into too much drama.
I’ve never upset someone badly through something I’ve said when drunk.
I’m generally someone who others would consider a loving and happy drunk.
Shame I couldn’t confirm this for you, because I rarely can accurately or fully remember past the first half of what I drink.

I have embarrassed myself by saying too much, being inappropriate, falling over, and being in a state, basically. I cringe to think how I must have looked. I’ve flirted with men despite having an amazing boyfriend (which wracks me with guilt), cancelled plans due to hangovers or the prospect of drinking,ย disappeared on nights out and left my friends wondering where I was.

I’ve not given myself 100% to my work or to my relationships because I’ve been recovering (usually mentally) from a blackout that occurred perhaps days before. I’ve avoided going anywhere due to my worries about what I’ve done during said blackouts. I’ve lost my credit card while out and had the hassle of cancelling it and wondering how I was going to explain to my parents why I need to borrow from them again.

I’ve wasted so much time and money drinking. I’ve wasted so much time worrying about my drinking. I’ve wasted the most time thinking about how great my life would be if I didn’t drink. My struggles are internal. I’ve not done anything too bad yet, but coupled with my slightly anxious, panic-attack prone disposition, I’ve come to realise that not drinking is something that will definitely benefit me. Yet time and time again I stop drinking for weeks at a time, but eventually I start back having a few drinks here and there, enjoying it immensely, worrying what the fuss was all about, until suddenly I’m waking up again wondering what the hell happened last night.

It’s amazing what we can force ourselves to forget.

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12 thoughts on “My drunk brain thinks I’m okay.

  1. You sound a lot like me. Only I didn’t stop at just flirting when I had bfs or a husband.

    You are young and can quit before horrible problems do start. I was 27 my first DUI but wasn’t the first nor last time I drove drunk. And a DUI is nothing compared to causing an accident or death when drunk. I just met a woman that was sober, decided she could drink moderately again, and her first night back out, she got her 4th DUI.

    Good luck and welcome to the world of sober blogging.

  2. Art Mowle says:

    I hope you have continued conversing here on your blog. It is so relieving to talk to someone who has been where you are. I have a blog also. I share my story in hopes of getting a person as you, headed toward Sobriety and peace. Good luck, I will be watching for your progress. You can do it. Stay strong, ge help. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thanks again, Art!
      Having someone to talk to and to take me seriously in itself is enough to help me to power through and has confirmed for me that I do actually have a problem, and that no, it’s not normal to get blackout drunk every weekend like peers do. Socially acceptable? Yes. But it’s just not for me anymore!

  3. There is a fantastic guy in my AA group. He has a PHD in psychology, and 37 years of sobriety. I was telling him that I have difficulty relating to the stories of DUI’s, jail etc. I am a “high bottom” drunk. He said, aren’t you glad, did you want to wait until you got those stores?
    Hmmm, no I did not. I felt enough shame right where I was.
    Joining Belle’s challenge is a great step.
    Stay strong!

  4. Hi soberlearning. Thanks for sharing. ๐Ÿ™‚ I too feel like I am a “high bottom drunk”. Sometime when I hear the stories of DUIs and jail etc, I think to myself that I am fine. I know people who seem to have a glaringly obvious problem with drinking who are still drinking regularly. But I don’t need to wait to hit a lower bottom to know that I have issues. As you said, the shame is enough for me. I don’t need to feel any worse to know that I need to change. Day 28 now ๐Ÿ™‚ comments like yours help me to stay strong, thanks again ๐Ÿ™‚

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